Instrument of the Devil.

I'm slowly coming down off of what can only be described as one of the worst caffeine experiences of my life. Which is saying a lot because I've had A LOT of caffeine experiences in my life. Pots of it while studying for finals, gallons of it while pulling late nights at work which were then followed by bowls of it the next morning in order to get going. But this -- this -- is a full-fledged nightmare. I stopped buying fancy coffee drinks at fancy coffee shops in order to save money, so I've been drinking whatever coffee Jon makes in the morning. I dump it in a big plastic container with a ton of milk and a bit of sugar and lug it to work, pour it over ice, I mean it's just the ticket. But apparently Jon bought some new (i.e. cheap) coffee last week and it is literally the worst shit I've ever drank. I'm not sure if they roast it with rat poison or cut it with ajax or grow it from crystal meth, but one cup not only makes me feel like I've had 8 but it also pushes me dangerously close to a full-blown anxiety attack. I drank some on Saturday while I was doing the bills and even though I didn't think I had had that much to drink, I looked down at my hands and they were shaking. I stopped drinking it and didn't think much of it. Later that day, Jon says "Have you noticed anything different about the coffee?" and we then went on to discuss how, my God, that coffee was real speedy and tasted like crap and we were shaking and had headaches and wasn't it just the worst thing ever?

Here comes the best part -- we drink it again Sunday morning. And then I fill up a plastic jug with it this morning.

You know how when you're recovering from a cold you think you feel better but then you get to work and realize you, in fact, still feel like shit? Like you felt good enough to sit up on the couch and read magazines but not good enough to sit in a meeting and have an opinion. Such is my plight today. I thought even though this coffee made me feel "a little bit speedy" at home, surely it wouldn't be an issue at work -- really the place I need that speed the most. Well, after drinking less than a cup (and a cup being HALF coffee and HALF milk), I felt like I was on drugs. Does this make me stop drinking it? No. I keep drinking it because I'm preparing for a meeting and feel like the comfort factor of drinking coffee on a Monday morning will far outweigh any of the potential negative side effects.

Guess what? I was wrong.

I sat through both of my meetings, feeling like I was hallucinating, with a crippling headache, shaking hands, and a bladder that was about to burst. I felt like punching someone. I felt so anxious, I thought I was going to cry. I thought about the line from the Flaming Lips song "Do You Realize?" that goes "Do you realize ... that everyone you know some day will die." and I started thinking about everyone I know and how much I don't want any of them to die. I thought I was going to start crying.

As soon as I got out of my meeting, I fled the building in order to buy as much food as I could, a full sandwich, a bag of chips, a giant oatmeal and chocolate chip cookie, and I topped it all off with aspirin. I'm starting to feel a lot better now and my headache's gone away. I think after another half hour or so of writing personal e-mails and other busy work, I'll finally be grounded enough to do my real work.

All I know is that the first thing I'm going to say when I get home isn't "How was your day?", it's going to be "For the love of God, let's spend some money."